I'm Still Here!

Been so busy I haven't posted lately.  Nothing much new going on.  Went to my nutrition appointment a week ago and was up 3lb's!  I hadn't been bad that week but I hadn't been good either.  Make sense?  It was right after lunch and I was feeling particularly bloaty that day, but still I gained 3lb's and I have noone to blame but myself.  And get back on track!  So I did better, cut wayyyyy down on carbs and weighed myself this week and down 5lb's!!  Very happy about that.  So 4 more to go until we can submit for insurance approval. 

Here's the thing, since I didn't lose it all by last week, I'll be looking at a March surgery now.  Not only does it depend on insurance approval, something I'm not worried about, but you also have to pass the bariatric review board.  They meet the 3rd week of the month and discuss the potential cases.  The intake coordinator, the nutritionist and the surgeons meet and decide if you are going to be a good candidate for this.  I'm not worried about this either, but the sucky part is I have to wait until the 3rd week of February until they meet next.  Not that that means I have that long to lose 4 lb's mind you, that and more is coming off!!

I'm feeling great, I have passed up many temptations that in the past I wouldn't have.  I'm using the eliptical, I still could get better at that, but I'm getting there.  I want this so much, it's not worth it to me eat crap anymore!  Oh I'm not perfect, I have a treat here and there, but I limit how much and when.  I'm really eating a lot of salads and high protiend meals.  Haven't cut carbs completely out, but reallly lowered the amount I'm taking in.

My motivation??  I have talked with Carissa about how mommy is trying to lose weight.  We've talked about how I am going to have an operation that will help mommy get skinnier too.  She's very open to it and I am careful how much I tell her.  Don't want to scare her.  She came up to me the other day, gave me a big hug and said, "Mommy, I can't wait until you are skinny and can run with me"  I can't either.

Feeling Frustrated and Hopeless

Not much happening this week.  Frustrated that I actually managed to gain 2lb's this week.  Feeling hopeless because it feels like I'm never going to get this weight off to get approved!  On the plus side I do think I've already lost at least 1 of those gained pounds, I was feeling bloated at weigh in, it was right after lunch and I normally weigh in the morning.  I'm trying to keep that in mind and not slip back.  I did make it on to the elipticle 2 nights in a row now, so that's another good thing.  Had another meeting with my nutritionist this week as well.  Got some more tips and goals.

Goal #1, spend at least 20 minutes eating a meal.  That's actually really hard, and that's with a regular plate of food!  Imagine taking 20 minutes to eat 1/4 cup of food!

Goal #2, nothing to drink 1/2 hour before and 1 hour after eating meals.  Another thing that's not so easy.  They don't want you feeling your pouch with fluids instead of protien at meals. 

That;s what I'm working on, that and my personal goal of eliminating even more carbs.  Gotta cut them out soon anyway.  Wish me luck!

Let's Talk Weight

This one’s a tough one to write for me.  Thought it was time to come clean on the whole weight issue.  Most women would never tell you what they weigh, we’re trained at an early age that this is something that we keep to ourselves!  Part of keeping my weight a secret I feel is like keeping that shame with me.  I need to rid myself of the shame in order to succeed at this!  I’ve had people, very nice all of them, tell me that I don’t need gastric bypass, I’m not big enough, no way could I meet the criteria.  I love every one of them for it.  It shows me how much my friends see me, not my weight.  But in reality, yes I am big enough, I do fit the criteria, A LOT of the criteria.

I’ve always yoyo dieted.  I think my first real fight with weight was going into my freshman year of high school.  I was a petite little girl, a normal sized little girl.  And of course like most girls never thought about my weight when I was young, who cared?  But the summer between 8^th and 9^th grade I spent a lot of time at my father’s house.  There were really no restrictions about what or when we wanted to eat and being the growing almost teenager I was, I ate!  I can’t remember how much weight I gained but it was significant.  When it was time to go back to school and I am again thrown into the crowd of teenagers who seemed so much skinnier than me, I noticed then.  So began my yoyo journey.  Like any responsible teenager does when deciding the proper diet I should do I chose the complete wrong direction and decided the best option was to quit eating.  We didn’t eat dinner at the table, didn’t eat as a family.  It was very easy to take a plate of food to my room, wait awhile and then throw it away before my mom ever saw.  I little bits here and there, drank lots of soda and I did go down about 3 sizes.  Unfortunately that little stunt also sent me straight to a doctor when my body decided it was done with my games and gave out on me.  I can’t remember how many times I fainted that morning as my parents got me to a car and took me to a doctor.  I’m sure I should have ended up in the hospital and gotten some counseling, but this was pre-eating disorders awareness and it was much easier to just tell me to eat!  So that’s what the doctor did.  Told me to eat and told my mom to push Gatorade to rehydrate me.  So there, any eating disorders I had or may encounter in the future are taken care of right? Right??

So that began my lovely yo-yoing.  I know I can pinpoint other areas in my life where the pounds came faster than other times…getting divorced….getting married again to a man who loved me for me and didn’t nag me about my weight…dealing with infertility..dealing with losing a job…going back to school…..the list goes on.  But the basic fact is, I like food, I like to eat food and I’m not great at exercising.  So here I sit at 38, I have sleep apnea and type 2 diabetes and am morbidly obese.  I am still fortunate that the rest of me is healthy! 

And here we are back to my weight!  I feel it’s time to be honest with where I am at, what I have fought to lose so far and where I am going.  My highest weight was just over a year ago.  I managed to top the scale at 327 pounds!  I wasn’t there for long but it really sucked seeing that number.  That motivated me to start a biggest loser group with friends and family and I started losing.  My start weight for the bariatric program was 318lb’s I have to lose 5% of that.  I did go back up to 320 in the first few weeks, stress, eating what I knew I couldn’t have again played a part in that but then I got more serious.  I am currently weighing at 308.5lb’s.  I have to get down to 302.1lb’s to meet my goal.  6.4lb’s left to go. 

So there it is, out in the open.  Feels good to get it off my chest.  It helps to know that I am sharing this people that support me.  Sorry this was a long one, guess I had to build up to it!

I Have Flown Across The Atlantic More Than 30 Times In The Last Year.

True or False.  This was one of my questions on my psych exam today.  Really?  What does this have to do with my psyche? 

I had my last appointment with the psychologist today, another requirement down!  I had to see her twice and then take a psychological examination.  There were 125 questions, all true or false.  Most designed to see how you feel about yourself.  T/F:  I hate looking in a mirror.  Then there were the “what is your support system” type of questions…T/F:  I have no one in my life that supports my decision.  Pretty simple easy questions.  There were a few questions thrown in there that made me laugh like, “I am not telling the truth when I answer these questions”  It made me giggle cause if I wasn’t telling the truth by then, why would I start just because it asked me?  Oh and that question popped up about 5 times.

I have to say I wasn’t really looking forward to seeing a “shrink”.  Never really been my thing.  But having done it, it wasn’t that bad.  It was kind of nice to sit and talk to someone that had no knowledge of me or my family and didn’t already have preconceived judgments.  I think I’ll definitely keep her card around in case I feel like I just need to sit and talk again.

So the good news is, I don’t appear to be crazy!!  Well she didn’t say that in those words but I gleaned it from our conversation!  She did say that she thought I was an excellent candidate and really felt I was going to do well with this surgery.  That felt good to hear. 

Not much more left to do but to lose that pesky 5%, but on a positive note…..I’m down 5lb’s this week!!WooHoo!!  6 more to go!  ( I was off 1 lb when I thought I only had 10 to lose)  Doesn’t matter!  5lb’s is awesome!  Off to hit the elliptical!!

Here I go

I'm a horrible at journaling.  I really am.  My husband bought me a really nice journal to write down this process I am embarking on and while I started out great, sat down and wrote about a half dozen pages on my experience so far, I set it down to take a break and just haven't picked it up since then,  That was about 3or 4 weeks ago.  I still want to journal, I just suck at writing.  So I decided to start a blog.  Why not?  I'm on the internet all the time!  I can type a lot faster than i can write.  So here I go!

What is this blog about you are asking?  Well it's about regaining my life!  It's somewhere where I plan on being honest with myself as well as honest with whoever might read this.  Shame and embarrassment need to go out the window if I am going to be successful at this. 

This is where I will be talking about my experience going through weight loss surgery.  I don't have it scheduled yet, still working through the process.  I am hoping that by the end of February I will have a date set! I will be having the full bariatric bypass.  I am in a great Bariatric Program that has many requirements.  I have fulfilled most of those, the only thing I have left is the 5% weight loss expected of me and one more appointment with a psychologist.  Have to make sure I'm not crazy I suppose. I have 10 more lb's to lose. 

I have never tried this blogging thing, so please bare with my while I figure all this out.  If you are friends and family and are deciding to read all my gibberish I thank you, if you don't know my and have managed to come across this, welcome.  Please be nice. 

More to come!  Hang on and enjoy the ride, I know I will!